silhouette in my closet-brunettenorexia

Mtv Cribs In Your Face

2009-09-13T10:14:00.001-07:00

2009-08-30T06:27:00.002-07:00

2009-08-30T06:27:00.001-07:00

2009-08-30T06:25:00.001-07:00

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2009-08-30T02:57:00.001-07:00

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

2009-08-29T07:31:00.000-07:00

2009-08-29T07:30:00.001-07:00

Is on Hiatus

2009-08-25T07:30:00.000-07:00

Okay I've learned my lesson, you win, I guess there's is just no way you can balance both internet and education at the same time when final exam is literally around the corner. So i decided just to post some of my favourite youtube videos on regular basis. June AS results are below decent, way beyond what i have anticipated. A wake up call, though you may perceive the law of attraction shit is applicable and would help you to achieve a sustainable grades or anything, but seem to me its all bullshit cause nothing comes free, easy and that simple in this world without any effort and sheer determination .

bad day

2009-08-08T10:48:00.000-07:00

i fell asleep somewhere around 9pm two nights ago and stumbled my right foot during the midst of my not-so-in-deep-sleep state without realsiing my laptop was on my bed just right next to my right foot afterwards i heard somethng heavy just dropped on the floor.. thought it was my speaker and as i open my drowsy eyes and there you have it.. a beautiful piece of artwork by karma.. fuckshitmotherfckrcocksuckerassjahjdhjashj!

After moments of desperation i decided just to connect the heart-shattering laptop to the lame bulk monitor which was stored in the pigsty room. So there you go;

2009-08-08T07:18:00.000-07:00

Today I realized that I interact with a lot of racists. I work with racists, I socialize with racists, I rock climb with racists, watched movies with racists, crossed the road with racists and have even had ice cream with racists.

A lot of times it is not obvious who is racist and who isn’t racist, so I have created a litmus test to weed out the racists from the non-racists.
People that say they are not racist, are racist. A non-racist does not talk about race, does not think about race and most of all will never have the need to say, they are not racist. If you meet someone who begins a sentence with, “I am not a racist but…”, then run for the hills because you are talking with a Mexican beater.
People that drive slow in the fast lane are racist. People that drive slow in the fast lane do it to piss off people of the opposite race. Have you ever noticed that when you pull up behind someone of the same race driving slow in the fast lane they pull over into the slow lane right away? But when you pull up behind someone of a different race they stay in the fast lane. Well it happens to me everyday; I continue to be amazed by how many racist Asians drive grey Honda civics.

People that did not grow up watching Sesame Street are racist. Sesame Street is a great show, it teaches diversity and a culture where it does not matter if you are orange or yellow, or if your shirts have vertical or horizontal strips, you can still be the bestest of friends.

People that have ever used the word Muslim, Iraqi, Al Qaedi or Iranian are racist. Racists love to use the word Muslim, it is in fact their favorite word. They will use it in every sentence possible and confuse it for other words. For example, racists have been known to say “I am going to the Muslim”, when they are meaning to say Museum.
People that bike to work are racist. If someone is biking to work, they are making a statement, they are saying that they are better than you and that they would rather ride their bicycle on the sidewalk than share the road or a bus with you. So next time you cut off a cyclist, no need to feel bad because they are racist.

People that smoke in public places are racist. Racists want to kill other races, but racists are also scared of prison, so instead of killing other races with a bullets, they do it with secondhand smoke. Makes you think, there sure are an awful lot of white people that smoke.

Well there you have it, just wanted to create awareness to help make this world a better place. Hope you found the info useful. =P

Revenge R Us.

2009-07-29T10:39:00.001-07:00

Revenge.

I'm a fan of it. I know you're not supposed to feel that way in these enlightened times. I know we're all supposed to strive for harmony with our neighbors and to embody as best we can the so-called Golden Rule. On a certain level I even agree with that sentiment. The problem is, there's something so tasty about the suffering of someone who done you wrong. Something so scale-balancingly Right that I just can't seem to put that particular addiction down.

My friends tell me it's a quick path to the Dark Side. They say civilization is our collective attempt to rise above the kneejerk violent response to some deep offense. To seek or enjoy revenge is to be uncivilized, to be out of fashion. They like to think that humanity is above such petty concerns as taking pleasure in an enemy's misfortune or, if you're REALLY lucky, causing a bit of that misfortune yourself.

Really? I don't know. Seems like we've been in the revenge biz for quite a while. We make our loved ones pay for not remembering our birthdays or anniversaries. We make our children pay for not achieving or being what we think they should. We make our leaders pay for going the wrong way even when we may have pointed them that way in the first place. If that's not revenge, I don't know the stuff.

In the old eye-for-an-eye days, the rule was, if one of yours got hurt, three of theirs got killed. If some of yours got killed then ALL of theirs and all of their friends and all of their friends' friends took the dirt nap. And their children and their pets and the guy who happened to shake hands with them while waiting for the crosstown chariot to stop and cart them off to the Coliseum.

Hm.

Maybe those old eye-for-an-eye days aren't as far behind as some like to pretend. We don't even need to cross the ocean to see folks burning down the whole house just to score points on somebody who once scored on them.

Crips vs Bloods. Dems vs Rebs. Red vs Blue. North vs South. Rap vs Rap. White Supremecists vs well, Emo vs Punk, Gays vs Straight, Gaza vs Israel, Government vs The unsatisfied residents, Politics vs Corruption, pretty much the rest of the planet.

Call it the Politics of Personal Destruction or simply The Bittersweet way, revenge has been with us since we figured out standing on our hind legs would get us that much closer to the tasty hanging fruit. It'll be with us well past the time we're all cloning ourselves, netlinked and flying around in those antigravity cars the 1960s promised would be here by now.

Not really making an argument here. Not trying to sway anybody this way or that.

I'm just saying revenge is #2 or #3 on Humanity's nightly menu. Served cold or hot it's the bona fide Blue Plate Special.

So there you go, Revenge Are Us (:

Thanks for coming.

Lights out in 5....

4....

3....

2....

Lights out

2009-07-14T23:55:00.000-07:00

Life..Its always mostly an experiment, you know.

I, we, wanted to see what could be done with very little time and money, lots of elbow grease and talent. I was involved in making a documentary film about the life of Bruneian teenagers and alloted as the director. Two computers, an mpeg recorder , some factory batched editing software and immense commitment. It took some convincing to get the whole crew together, of course. People don't generally like to walk blindly into dark tunnels, even when their friend is leading them in.

It still bothers me that some of the others I invited declined to participate. No hard felings, guys, but, wow, it would have been great to see your episodes too. I'm just as much the audience for these things as I am the producer. I'm humbled and proud that the guys who came on for this chose to take a chance.

And that's the lesson, I suppose. If there is one.

None of us are wealthy. None of us have big Hollywood connections (certainly none that have aided in this endeavour). All of us hold down regular life, trying our best to do better in everything in an effort to be like or simply not hated, maintain relationships with our friends, love ones or Significant Others. We all have so-called Real Lives, I guess is the point.

And yet.

Life got us to come here and return here without the use of insane and violent "humor" or the use of naked sarcasm. We made something, you came to see it and, amazingly, you liked it enough to return (some of you again and again). Thanks for that.

So, while this phase of the experiment is done, the second, the larger more imprtant phase is only beginning. That's the part that involves you. Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life. All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearse. In the game of life, it's a good idea to have a few early losses, which relieves you of the pressure of trying to maintain an undefeated season

We all take our inspirations where we find them. Mine for this came from the unsung youtube heroes and from the virtual lives of the drama series like grey's anatomy.

They came from the fact that life is not that easy and free of fret. Life is full of uncertainties,revealations, sometimes satisfying and most of the time, unpleasent ones, where most of the times we're overwhelmed by paranoia, anticipating what will come next, hoping it will turn out to be pleasurable. Nonetheless we are often deceieved by the bogus offering from deceptive hypocrites. Life is not just a place to buy and sell.

It is, both literally and virtually, a field of dreams.

Sounds flowery, I know, but that can't be helped. This is the realm of the mind, not the senses, and we all could do with a little mental gymnastics, yes? A few more flights of blatant fantasy? Yeah we can. Of course we can.

I will be coming here periodically to provide updates on anything life related so, don't be a stranger. Door's always open for freinds.

So, here's the last motto I'd like to leave all you right from my closet. Something simple and plain from me to all of you.

Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow

Thanks for coming.

Lights out in 5....

4....

3....

2....

dear shittyhands..

2009-07-09T03:05:00.000-07:00

Here is my situation, I am livingwith some fucked up people that do some fucked up shit in the washrooms.

Im studying in a college packed with non-hand washers, stand-up toilet seat down pee-ers, pre-flush 1’ers and 2’ers with no exit flush and the ever so elusive stand-up 2’er that hits the seat every so often.

Now I do not like to talk about what goes on in the washroom, in fact I do not even talk in the washroom, but what I have witnessed over the past 2 years has gotten to the point that I have to share my story.

In particular I would like to talk about one gentleman, let’s call him Shittyhands. Shittyhands has by far racked up the most offenses over the years and is deserving of this posts attention.

Here are the protocols that Shittyhands follows in the bathroom:

Will wash hands if someone else is washing their hands or else he heads straight for the door.
Will never use a urinal, Shittyhands prefers the stand-up, toilet seat down approach with the pre-flush and no exit flush.
Shittyhands also employs the pre-flush with no exit flush for 2’s.

Shittyhands I ask you:

Do you follow the same bathroom protocol at your home?
What is wrong with you Shittyhands? Why can’t you be normal?
Shittyhands, people you're studying with are gradually talking and slowly more and more people are learning the ways of Shittyhands, is this good for your career?

And finally Shittyhands, I apologize if you have some illness that thawrting you from using the facilities properly, ie. external bladder, but I do not believe that there is any credible excuse to shit on the seat, so please, please stop doing that. Thanks!

What Women Really Want, Explained By fahh

2009-07-04T23:42:00.000-07:00

I am always amused when I hear guys talking about how hard it is to get laid, how all the easy women are nasty and how all hot girls are lesbians or just don’t put out, because for me, women have always been easy. Every woman that I have ever met, excluding family of course, have either wanted to ride along the road, have had thoughts about venturing the RollerCoaster or have taken a mix up perplexity sentiment ride of my boulevard.

To me all women are not that hard, because I know what they want. I am a PIMP by blood and you can be too, if you can master the 7 things that I have outlined below and follow my advice.

( warning, post contain a high dose of cynicism,

ps ; cynicism is always healthy )

BE DANGEROUS – women love danger. So be dangerous and beat your girls routinely. Every PIMP has their own preference for when they beat women but what I like to do is not be too rough but rough enough to let them know they are in danger and to invoke fear. For example, I routinely throw my women out of moving vehicles, to show them how dangerous I am and that I just don’t give a f@@k. I have thrown JenJen out of my car 3-times now and she is lovin’ it!

BE DESIRABLE – women love it when men are wanted by other women. The only way to show that you are wanted by other women, is to have sex with other women, the more women the better. If you are caught cheating on the woman that you are “with”, first deny it, then admit to it and then make up an excuse about it not being your fault and how the other women took advantage of you. Once she has taken you back, the sex will be 10x better because she will realize that she has got to work 10x harder to keep you in her bed and out of the other woman’s bed. JenJen has caught me cheating on her 5-times, this means the sex is 50x better now, than it was when I first started dating her, and I am lovin’ it!

BE A DADDY – women love men that have kids. Something about seeing a man walking around with his child drives women crazy. I think it has to do with fertility or some shiat, but you know what, I don’t care, all I know is that it works. For example, take a look at kevin, he had 2-kids from his previous girl and now he has got one with Britney Spears, now that man is a true PIMP that is playing by my rules. The great part about this is that it doesn’t even need to be your kid, it can be your nephew or niece, this is what I have done in the past, before I got JenJen pregnant and I was lovin’ it!

BE A JERK – women love men that are jerks. So be a jerk, be a really great one: never hold the door for her, rarely compliment her, rarely tell her that you love her and never ever call her back until she has called you at least 3-times. If you do accidentally compliment her, don’t panic; take it back by picking at one of her flaws until she cries. That’s how I play it out and I am lovin’ it!

BE A DICK - women love a dickhead, when she she tells you how much she adore you, quickly say things like " what can i say? I'm a playa, i heard those like a million times". When she's about to end the goodnight-phone call-conversation e.g. goodnight,i'll miss you, i love you.. quickly hang up the phone, she'll love it!

BE TOUGH - Girls always love a tough guy, really, when you caught a guy talking with her, including her bff or normal friends, quickly intimidate them and tell them to fuck off, this really works.

BE PROTECTIVE - Needless to say that every girl want to feel secure and protected, so being over protective is always a good thing, call her every 15 or 30 minutes just to make sure she's safe, and don't allow her to talk with any guy,at all. She'll be lovin' it!

So there you have them, the 7 things that every playa needs to master before becoming a PIMP. So how about it ladies, do you agree? Holla at cha boy Fahh.
Follow these guideline, and i guarantee you will be the man of every girls dream.

2009-07-04T05:55:00.000-07:00

All right.

Let's talk about death.

Now, don't be squeamish; sit still and play fair.

Death.

Like birth and breathing, it is one of the very few things that 100% of us share with one another.

Everyone who was born will die.

We all know it and, at some time or other it crosses most of our minds. Not all our minds all of the time but most of them at least once.

It's not fun, is it? Frankly, it scares the living crap out of most of us.

So, why do I bring that up now? Why mention something terrible and inevitable that won't happen to most us for years and years?

Because, in a strange way, the stories, the lovely stories we tell, are all about death. Even when they're not.

The man on our left understood this. He obviously knew, when you stick "happily ever after" on the end of something, you're either lying or you don't know how the story really ends.

There's the in-between. There's the in-between and how we play it.

There's life.

Think about it. You're definitely going to die. Today. Tomorrow. In sixty years. Definitely. No wiggle room whatsoever. It's like the great black curtain hanging at the end of a hallway and, whether you like it or not, you're going to go through.

So, immediately, the question becomes, "How?" How will you face it? Will you face it? Sure, you have to experience it, but will you actually face it, head on? If not, why not? And, also if not, how will you avoid facing it when experiencing it is a given?

Will you tell yourself to get it over with and just make a dash for for the velvet blackness?

Will you dawdle near the corridor's far side, spending far too much time examining the crayoned drawings of roses someone's left on the wall in hopes that you will draw out the best part as long as possible?

Will you dance some of the way and crawl the rest?

The choices you make about what to do with the in-between..

Will you watch, he asks, like Jimmy Stewart in REAR WINDOW? Will you hide like Tippy Hedron in THE BIRDS? Will you run like Cary Grant in NORTH BY NORTHWEST? Will you flail and slash and embrace delusion as Anthony Perkins did in PSYCHO?

Only you know the answer and, no matter what you say out loud about it, only you will ever know for sure.

So, take a second and seriously think about it. Ask yourself the question.

"What am I doing with my in-between?"

We at The Dark are dying to know.

The Long Overdue Eulogy

2009-07-04T05:40:00.000-07:00

If you ever read this with any regularity, you knew this was coming. Really, most of you probably didn't think I would even bother to log in. This blog became something like an old neighbor: you don't see them out in the yard for a while, so you assume something must have happened. Then one day, you hear that your neighbor is dead, and it's not really a surprise. "Oh, I guess that makes sense," you might say to yourself, or, if you're me, you would say something like, "Oh, he's dead now."

So anyway, those of you who are bitter, don't blame my sixth form life for the end of this blog. If anything, I have more time in front of a computer than I did at my previous life. I just don't feel like doing this "thing" anymore. It got to the point where it was more of a chore than fun. "Oh, I've got to go find the book and read the task and then make something up ridiculous to pretend that I did because I'm not stupid/ballsy enough to actually do most of the things I said I did," I can recall thinking on several occasions.

But, it was pretty fun. We had some laughs, didn't we? Anyway, since it is 10 pm on a Saturday night and the extent of my social life is watching the wimbeldon 2009--the World Series--and I still get the itch to spread my opinion to the masses, I may go back to my old blog and get that going again. So if you were a reader here, stay tuned for a notice to go read about what I think somewhere else. Adios for now...

Dear Earth..

2009-03-27T22:55:00.000-07:00

SAD is my lot; among the shining spheres
Wheeling, I weave incessant day and night,
And ever, in my never-ending flight,
Add woes to woes, and count up tears on tears.

Young wives’ and new-born infants’ hapless biers
Lie on my breast, a melancholy sight;
Fresh griefs abhor my fresh returning light;
Pain and remorse and want fill up my years.

The happier children’s farther-piercing eyes
Into the blessed solvent future climb,
And knit the threads of joy and hope and warning;
But I, the ancient mother earth, am not wise,
And, shut within the blind obscure of time,
Roll on from morn to night, and on from night to morning.

So, now we are destroyed; utterly; more than utterly!
The gang of shameless peoples, the maddening music of war,
The sword fat with blood, the thundering of the guns
Have consumed our sweat and toil, exhausted our reserves.
Towers are on fire, churches turned upside down;
The town hall is in ruins, the strong cut down, destroyed.
Young girls are raped; wherever we turn our gaze,
Fire, plague, and death pierce heart and spirit through.
Here, town and ramparts run with ever-fresh streams of blood.
It's three times six years now, since our mighty river's flow
Was blocked almost by corpses, just barely trickling through.
Yet, I pass over in silence something more terrible than death,
More desperate even than plague, fire and famine;
That so many were bereaved of their soul's treasure too.

So, Turn Off All Your Power Tonight

At 8 P.M., In Your Local Time Zone

But Right Now, Watch This Very Short Video

It''s Earth Hour – For This Planet We Call Home

busy, busy busyy.

2009-03-14T23:11:00.000-07:00

Believe in dreams.

2009-02-15T01:38:00.000-08:00

man, upper six life is not fun at all. Yeah theres no such thing as college = play; overwhelemed by the soaring expectation anticipation from parents of my attaintment for the A level since i am her and his only son in the midst of 6 other sisters, so yeah their expectation for me is running high. Since i don't have that much time to allocate my time in writing new post about this paradoxical lives in this hectic moments of mankind, i had to devote my time more towards attaining my goals in getting scholarship of becoming one of University Of Essex's Undergraduate, which i am planning to take BA in Psychology ( since the probabilty for me to take BS psychology is very low cause i fucked my GSCE maths ,haha) or Criminology with Pychology. I know i need to put a lot more sweat on my studies and put my shoulder on the wheels to achieve it. Not that im optimistic about my future, (well a lil bit) just that i emphatically have no interst in continuing my study in UBD nor ITB neither Business college (basically what i'm trying to say is that i need to get out of Brunei, ASAP) hahhaa. (X so in the mean time, to make sure to update my blog, i just gonna post some funny pictures, or anything funny.

   He really don't give a damn ay?
   where does moronity comes from ?
   yeah, China really is a cheap country, sorry mum (X
   fckdhsjsjk ???
   you'd only see this in China (:

The day she turned 17 :D

2009-02-12T22:16:00.000-08:00

   the anticipation for the big surprise was excrutiating xD

   wth?stalker 0.0

bore.

2009-02-11T03:31:00.001-08:00

its funny when we look how other culture is trying to cope with European culture.

   perhaps check point?

   helmet that ensure accident

   hahah. even my 5 yrs old sister know how many hour there is in a day.
   duhhhhhhh~

you and your fucking libido.

2009-01-19T00:39:00.000-08:00

So we went to the movies a couple days ago with this random date of mine. I am a ginormous movie freak and I love going to the movies. I mean if you love me, just take me to the movies like every week, and I’ll feel we are doing things together, really =D
This time though, I’ve had a hard time enjoying the movie- Bed Time Story
We were sitting in the last row of the theater on a midnight show. It looked like we were going to be the only ‘couple’ back there, but another couple moved in on us last minute which we were answered by an extremely friendly smile from the girl who sat down right beside me. I thought she was really nice about it, and that I really liked her.
Well, that has changed soon. Real soon.
See as soon as the movie started this large set tall girl, who was wearing ALL white, suddenly turned over to her man right down at his pants and started to move her head up and down……
“whathefuckinggoddamnbloodyfuckinghell?? ‘, I thought to myself “she isn’t playing, is she”. But you know, she smiled at me and I am experience adult- I can take it; let them have fun, right? Yeah I don’t know what the deal was, but the girl came up after about two minutes, acting like nothing happened. I even felt sorry for the guy, who I thought came way to early. I don’t judge him. After all it must be very exciting for him (I suppose) getting a blow job in a public place like that. But another five minutes passed, and there she goes again, going down on him!! I thought she was giving him another chance to enjoy, but for my surprise this pattern was keep going on during the whole movie!

Now let me tell you, I do think I am experienced in this field. I do know that it might be nice to be spoiled and kept aroused, liked and all for a while. I have nothing against sex in strange places, especially when it doesn't have to be me ( I am not THAT open minded). But I just think that this was the most annoying thing that could happen to ME. I mean, OK kids, have your fun, go get a blow job, I am not going to say anything about it, but hey, do not ruin MY movie experience by your rudeness!

First of all, if you are going to do that to a guy in a dark public place, than PLEASE do not wear all white. I mean, you are glowing in the dark! Even if I don't want to stare, I just can't help that your 200 pound white ass is going up and down in the corner of my eyes!
I can pretend I don't see you for 5-10 minutes, and even be cool about it, but hey, why do I have to cover my eyes so I can enjoy the movie? C'mon!!!!!!
I mean, you are not 5'2 and 110 pounds - who has problems to be seen, didn't you realise that yet? Don't you have shame? Don't you care about other people?

Then I couldn't help thinking about the poor guy - does he really enjoy all this?
OK, so he was getting a blow job. But isn't the whole idea is to eventually "blow"? If he did during this hour and a half - two hours, than I KNOW he didn't need any more sucking there. If he didn't - cause he just never had enough time to get there - than OMG How annoying it must have been!!!!

Really, I've got to a point where I hated everything about the movie, I hated sitting there, I hated the girl I went out with, and I just wanted to go home.
On the way home I asked my ‘date’ what she thought about it, but she was so much into the movie that she didn't even realise it all happened. About my concern she only said that sometimes it is nice to not cum, but just being spoiled. -.-“
OK.
REALLY? FOR HOURS? Don't you get to a point where you just have to explode? How long can that take?

Now I really want to know : would you want to get a sucky-licky spoiling treatment in a public place like that? Or in private - going on and off for hours without actually getting there?

Period sucks, comas rule.

2009-01-14T23:07:00.000-08:00

This one is funnyyy =D a great way to teach kids about the processes of adolescent..no?

Another Resolution?

2009-01-05T15:56:00.000-08:00

How long do you think I’m going to keep my resolutions? I’m guessing about 65 minutes, but it could be overestimating my abilities. In other words, I will probably break them in less time than it takes me to think them up and write them down.
Sometimes, the best witness to us is our own mistakes and what we can really learn from them. This past year was a year that I would never repeated again. My New Year’s resolution is to let all my experiences, and my inevitable mistakes, be the things that I can learn from for the future. ‘Love sucks’, yeah..
We all have race marked out for us and I know the enemy is constantly trying to knock us off to the sidelines, and out of the race, before we ever get to the finish line. Let us not grow weary and lose heart.
Year end many of us take stock to all our experiences during the past year, good, bad and indifferent and wonder how our future can be more worthwhile. It really seem simple to me that all that is necessary is to keep doing all the good things that have been accomplished , learn our faith more completely, live and deal with love for others, discover and more wonderful new friend than in the past and bring on the laughter.

Happy New Year

2009-01-04T21:45:00.000-08:00

Looking back over this past few years I’m astonished how willingly I have allowed assholes to affect my life. No, this isn’t a pity blog, just an observational one. In that spirit I am going to attempt to create eleven step program so that all assholes I’ve had to deal with can get the help that they so need.
THE ELEVEN STEPS OF ASSHOLES ANONYMOUS
1. We admitted we were spineless in our assholes tendencies that our lives had become unpalatable.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to civility.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our social graces over to take care of Miss Manner as we understood her.
4. Made a searching and fearful moral list of our enemies.
5. Admitted to Miss Manners, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to have Miss Manners remove all these defects conduct.
7. Humbly asked Her to remove our bad attitude.
8. Made a list of all persons we had been asshole to, and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would result in a restraining order or bodily injury.
10. Continued to take personal responsibility and when we were rude promptly admitted.
11. Having had a emotional awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this messages to assholes, and to practice these manners in all our interactions.

the celebration of liberty

2008-12-25T13:42:00.000-08:00

it's time for a little dose of retaliation, yeap my turn now..

' sorry but your plastic heart ain't gonna work this time, miss independant.''

2008-12-23T01:48:00.000-08:00

Life's like a box of chocolate.. You just don't know the taste inside the box, sometimes its sweet, sometimes its bitter; sometimes its Bittersweet. (:

I spy with wicked lips

2008-12-23T01:13:00.000-08:00

People may use blame for many different reasons but each and every one will come back to not wanting to own their goddamn responsibility. Society reinforces this attitude in many ways. We blame the weather. We blame circumstances. We blame other people. We blame society. We go out of our way to avoid taking responsibility. When we accept our responsibility it means we decide to make changes in our lives. If we continue to blame outside circumstances, what we are really saying is, ‘If only you would change, I would be happier.’
I believe that in all of us there resides beauty, truth, love and goodness. For some it becomes a lifelong passion to know the real depths of those qualities within us. Each experience becomes an opportunity to test ourselves against what is in order to understand who we are and to bring to full manifestation that which aches in us for fulfillment. We can learn not to take the events of our lives so personally. They are simply opportunities to grow in wisdom and in love.
It can take a lifetime to find this fulfillment. We each only have moment by moment to live our lives. When we live with awareness in each moment then we can look back on a lifetime full of being present to life’s richness and depth. We are living in a time when we’re all being pushed to our edge. We’ve lost faith in the institutions that once formed the structure upon which we conducted our lives. We struggle to look with admiration and respect to our governments, judiciary, medical and educational systems and what not. The foundations of our society as we know it are crumbling. We have raped and pillaged Mother Earth and she too is struggling to find her balance
We are essential to one another because no finer mirror exists to clarify who we are than those people we’re blessed to know. They reflect back to us our ability, or lack of it, to be wholly present, open and loving and compassionate to one another. Each of us must take responsibility for our own action.

Whispers in the closet?

2008-12-06T20:53:00.000-08:00

There are many hard questions in life, but I think there are usually easy answers to them. It is just that we , may not want to answer them. Or we may not want others to know how we feel about something. It is so much easier to avoid the hard things and stick to the mundane and the superficial. Here’s for you to think; The shallow water, after all, is so easily warmed by the sun. Who would stay in that deep water for too long? When there’s less light penetrating the depths, it seems so much colder. It is colder you know. I often have to take my little sun baths at the edge of the shore too, just to warm up after my long deep dives. I also like to dig my feet into the sand...but not too far. For i have noticed that deep in the sand, it is much colder too.. Hmmm, is that why we are so afraid of the easy answers to life’s hard questions? Because we have to dig too deep, and touch what feels cold in us? Is it because we have to dive and hold our breath trusting that we will get another breath as soon as we are able to make it back to the surface? Perhaps we just don’t trust with ourselves or others with our deep things? Isn’t that sad after all? The deep has so much mystery that are not only ours to ponder, but ours to understand... So I reckon that the deep things, the hard questions are best left to those experienced divers. Those thoroughly grounded in the word : The true archaeologist of the soul. Unless you have discernment, you are likely to be deceived if you are diving or if you are digging in worldly knowledge.

thoughts become things

2008-12-06T20:34:00.000-08:00

I can’t remember when was the last time that I genuinely smiled, of course some of them were fake smiles, forced one.. and oh yes my ‘favorite’ the painful ones, the one t where you are biting your tongue so hard it could bleeds. But is possible for someone to forget how to smile? Oh c’mon now..It takes 50 muscles to make a frown, but only 13 to produce a smile.. Well sometimes it takes more than that to make me stop walking this mile, more than just muscles. Stop fussing and act happy, must you put us through this again. I’m tired of pretending to be happy with you, what will I gain?

think again..

2008-11-28T19:39:00.000-08:00

The symphony of my life’s been pretty heectic for the past few weeks and somehow I manage to cope with it and able to stand still. Its funny when we think how ignorant most people can be.
Sometimes, I find my perception of humanity is overwhelmed by the abundance of humanity.
Man sprays the earth with toxic compunds to poison bugs and weed- He’s ignorant of the poor judgement inherent in this deeds.
He endangers many species; renders some other extinct.. He doesn’t see ‘The Big Picture’ and that all of us are linked, all of us.
He renders the soil wothless; devoid of all fertility. In other lands, he purchases a child for his utility. Man endlaves his own species and other animals too—Engages in mass murder of his own, in times of old and new.
He makes the ‘Almighty Dollar’ his God and his guiding light. He lives without integrity; does what’s easy and seek for the goddamn shortcut in pursuing his dreams, oblivious by the thing that he may cause, does what’s easy, not what’s right.
He lust after money with a materialistic fucking greed…. While his fellow human cries for help in impoverished need.
Man will execute the trees like they are ‘growing out of style’… Never pondering the repercussiond of this, all the while.
He passes through enchanted woods and leaves his bloody rubbish behind, And limits concern for his fellow man to one’s of his own kind…
He has little tolerance for other religions or races… He’s one who believes his colour ‘s the best for all races…He adorns himself with gadgets and pierces his skins for rings… He think he is attractive by doing such stupid fucktard goddamn meaningless things.
He treats the disease, but neglects the preventative measure—With little forethought, he delves into momentary pleasure.
He settles for ‘mere sex’ rather than the ‘art of love making’… He is empty inside, because his passion he’s forsaking.
He is a being that is cruel; that inflicts suffering and pain. His viewing of ‘animals as commodity’—is insane!
His mind ivented the telephone, the computer, mobile phone, microchip and more, But can’t learn that ‘killing animal for the sake of his fucking self indulgence’ is an action to abhor.
He fuels his body soul with a most violent of diets—Never thinking to correlate this with rising city riots. He lives on top of each other; like hens in a factory farm… And with businesses polutting air and stream, ignoring their harm.
Something he is compelled to do—is to over populate—Unlike animals, when resources dwindle, he will still mate! He will step on his comrade to make himself appear supreme—Wrapped up in himself, he cares not for the members of his team.
This “He” lives in the street bum, as well as the nation’s ruler, king or president… Some aspect of this man lives in every global resident.
Are we powerless to change ‘the lack of virtue’ that eludes man? Will we ever know that yearned for ‘Peace on Earth’ in our life’s span? Can the soul subdue the goddamn ego; can we unmask our human lies” Will we elevate and save our race, before humanity and equality dies?
Will we annihilate ourselves with the weapons made by man? Or will we turn it all around, as only us human can? Humanity created Insanity—Yet—We’re unable to see… That within each of us lies the power to set sanity free… Thank You for reading this -fahhhh

just another random thing?

2008-11-02T03:38:00.000-08:00

Put the logo on your blog.
Add a link to the person who awarded you.
Nominate atleast 7 other blogs.
Add links to those blogs on yours.
Leave a message on your nominees on their blogs.

hazreena nominated me. So, i'm going to nominate;

am-i-supposed-to-nominate-other-people-cause-i'm-too-lazy-to-do-so..

I see dead stars collide

2008-11-02T03:01:00.000-08:00

Life is a bitch, and it has puppies, thats what some people used to think about this life, But for me, life is full of uncertainties. It present us with the unexpected, the unasked for and, sometimes, the unthinkable. We struggle to understand and accept these events, to find meaning in them. The quiet heroes of most surviver have found resolution, humor, wisdom and much more through the unexpected events of their lives. By peace and happiness i don't mean a wishy-washy attitude of passive acceptance. I mean a dynamic state of being in which we feel that we can play an active part in our coping with daily lives processes; a state in which we feel passionate about living, find our challenges stimulating and satisfying, and feel deeply loved and supported by those in our lives.
Speaking of lives, i don't know any dying people. I believe we're either alive or we're dead. Whilst we're alive we need love, honour, respect and sense of achievement due to any living person. Living it to its fullest potential. However, in order to find and fulfill life's potential we must sometimes venture into the dark chasms of emotional, psychological and spiritual pain. It took me me almost everyday to learn to acknowledge pain, physical and emotional ones. I thought it was a sign of weakness. Besides, I had such backlog of unshed tears I was afraid that if I allowed myself to weep, I would never stop, and, worse still, I would disintegrate into a million fragments and never reintegrate. I was terrified I would fall into black hole and never able to climb out.
However through the grace of my immense amount of agonising shits in working with others confronting their own suffering, I stumbled upon a wonderful truth. It is OK to let our heart break, because eventually they heal. In fact as our hears heal they increase our capacity for love. Because of the scar tissue, i suspect.

I scream through my bars at the stars

2008-10-24T00:03:00.001-07:00

I hate being so superficial and judgmental. It is not my right to be so. I hate people stereotyping me and judging me for my looks and physique yet I forcibly do the exact same thing. I fucking hate it. I try not to but sometimes it is just too hard not to...some people deserved to be judged. Slowly as I evolve into...whatever it is...I have begun to see a flip side to the coin. I have always had a broad picture of reality...but that picture is just getting wider. Pretty peculiar.

Some people personally judged me lately. They thought that because I write some random blogs and being myself i.e posting some pictures of mine, attitude etc Then labeled me as gay or emo, bullshit. Gratefully, some regretted their stereotype of me, apologized. In this religion, culture, we are all not perfect and we all have our flaws despite trying to follow its best. What right do we have to judge and give an immense amount of shits to others? What right do we have to cut and leave scars on other people's feeling? We all live trying to cope with out lives and trying to do better in each momentum of our lives. Some people haven't fully understand yet about the art of peace and harmony. Some people just couldn't bite their tounge from bitching others. So what right DO YOU have to do so? If you state to someone you have to go pray, they retort in shock 'you pray?!' so yeeah...all human flaws i guess. From my point of view, I am thoroughly glad no one knows of what 'origins' i am from nor can they tell my culture, religion or background. It is self liberating because I can get away with so much...and yet so little.

For what it is worth, my love is just a drop in the ocean compared to what you are worth.

friends

2008-10-23T23:37:00.000-07:00

The stars I have grasped

2008-10-23T23:18:00.000-07:00

It is not only uncommon for people moving towards each death to experience a reality in which, in complete contrast to what's happening in their bodies, they find strength and depth of aliveness rarely experienced by those even to excellent health their peace and contentment is not dictated by their achievements or by what is happening to their bodies. They can find a place of indestructible peace beyond their physical suffering.
This is not only true for those who are ill but often true for their loved ones too, I've witnessed the tremendous true love story and tenderness shown by a husband whose wife lay terribly disfigured and ravaged by her disease. Stroking her lovingly, he spoke tenderly of her great beauty. Oblivious to the smells, sounds or ugliness that her disease had produced, he saw only the beauty that had attracted him to her in the first place.
The human spirit has the capacity to find love and experience a deep sense of of oneness with another person even in the midst of the most painful suffering. It is as if the illness strips away every layer that separates the deep joining of spirits. However, it takes a great willingness to allow this to unfold for each person rails against the disease in their unique ways.
More often than not it is the parents who need support and understanding as they take on the enormity of the tragedy of losing child. It isn't much a matter of giving them any advice as listening ton their pain as they struggle to accept the reality of their loss and the misery of a future without one they hold so dear. With love and support the healing of such misery is possible, though the darkness of grief assails us in every moment. Life does continue even though, initially, we might only be able to go through the motions of living. The sharing of tears and the retelling of our own story are essentials in this healing process. With each telling we move closer to healing, peace and gradually a glimmer of light appears and we find the strength within ourselves to give life our full commitment once more.

Swim the ocean with me, You're not alone

2008-10-21T17:06:00.000-07:00

... The bitter moments of our lives from the past cannot be cast away. Azman was nine years old and had been undergoing treatment for cancer for some months. His cancer had progressed to the point where he was very weak. His family was absolutely devoted to him and was nursing him at home. His bed had been set up in the family room and Azman was the centre of all that happened in the house. His mother Sally, had asked me in to help Azman with his visualisation which involved a beautiful white horse who was his friend and wise companion, a forest and an army of little white-jacketed man who sprayed the weeds growing in the forest. This signified to him the chemotheraphy killing off the cancerous growths in his body. I told Azman and his family all the things about him. When i told Azman why i was going away and asked him how he felt about my going, he closed his eyes and, after a little time, replied " There are going to be a lot of children like me in your life. I think you'd better go and get your questions answeres." (translated in English)Over the ensuring weeks i became deeply involved with the whole family. Azman was terribly ill and offered what support i could. Every now and again I'd remind Azman of my increasingly imminent depature. Each time, he would simply acknowldge that he knew I was about to go. His parents had supported my decision to go go but also offered me to reimburse any cancellation costs should i decide to stay. I wasn't feeling at all happy about leaving as my instict was to stay. The day finally came, I stopped by Azman's home on the way going back home to say goodbye. Azman was sound asleep. His family left me alone with him and i sat by his bed with my own sad thoughts. I said my goodbyes to Azman silently in my heart and then suddenly had a profound realisation that Azman knew the answers to the questions i had planned to ask his mother about his chance of healing. I also knew that the answer would involve heart-breaking suffering, and would not be nearly as pleasent as my mind that i should stay.By listening to Azman's unspoken needs I learned what was going on under I learned what was going on under the surface. Really listening is the most important thing that anyone can bring to any situation dealing with the sensitive issues of others. I could not have understood anything more precious had i gone back home leaving him. I knew the answers I'd receive from the Azman wouldn't be theoritical ones but would be bourne out of the experience of our united suffering.In his last few months Azman suferred excrutiating pain which his doctors struggled to control. To the family's lasting horror and grief, his pain, despite modern medicine's best effort and huge doses of morphine, wasn't brought under adequate control. He suffered awful spasms of breakthrough pain which were unpredictable and increasingly frequent. He would cry and moan and close his eyes and lie pale and exhausted once the spasm had passed. To be confronted by our own helpnessness and powerlessness to sto the pain in someone we love is surely one of the greatest trials of all. I was tempted at times to leave Azman's bedside simply because it was hard to be around so much pain, especilally in one as young as he. However, that would have been little help to Azman and even less to his family. From Azman i gained the courage to face the pain of my own powerlessness and he taught me that the willingness simply to stick around and share journey is a comfort to itself.Through Azman I began to see that the level to which I'm willing to experience my own pain is the level to which I'm able to be with someone else who's in pain. If i refuse to face the pain of my own suffering, then most assuredly I'll stop the other person from confronting me with theirs, perhaps through changing my body posture or through the questions I ask, or neglect to ask, or the comments i make. I could easily have made an excuse to leave Azman and his family to attend to some other distraction.Many of us make excuses for not phoning or visiting someone whose problems we find difficult, overwhelming or too confronting. We all struggle at times with the fear that we will say the wrong thing or simply find no words to say at all. Needles to say, this is of little help to the person whose life has challenged us.In a difficult or painful situation I've often found that when i can let go needing to do something in order to escape my own feelings of powerlesness, then insights begin to appear. When we let go the clutter of our own intuition to begin functioning more efficiently. Two ideas came to me at this time that each proved to be wonderfully helpful to both Azman and those of us who loved him.The first idea concerned the spasms of pain when they initially appeared, coming out of the blue and distessing us all so fucking much. These spasms seemed very similar to a labour constraction, rising and then ebbing in intensity. I asked Azman if he'd like me to try breathing through the pain with me. He was keen to get try anything that would help him get through the pain more easily. The next time he had spasm, I took his hands in mine and maintaining eye contact through the spasm together instead of he retreating into himself.The second idea that occured to me was that, although Azman's hand was often held and he was hugged and cuddled, he was never actually held in anyone's arms bacause of his frailty. We carefully sat Azman forward so that i could straddle the bed behind him and he could recline in my arms. He loved being held and it helped lessen the intensity of his pain..From then until he died two weeks later he was held in loving arms most of the time. Each member of his family could sleep knowing that he was safe in their arms, or the night nurse's arms, and that we wolud waken them if there was any need. His father initially resisted climbing into bed with his adored son. The thought of being so close to his son, especially if he should have an unpredictable spasm of pain, was an enormous challenge. It is an aginy to be still and confront our own pain with no distraction. When his dad finally climbed in with Azman and held him gently inhis arms the peaceful look on Azman's face was something to behold...He drifted off to sleep whilst dad stroked his son's head and quietley wept.A few days after that, Azman has a problem which neccessitated him being taken to hospital for a few hours. It was painful and gruelling time for everyone and we came home in the middle of the night exhausted and dispirited. As we settled Azman back into his own baed he slipped hand in his squeezed it as he looked into our eyes and said, 'thanks for staying.' It wasn't neccesary but it was a touching affirmation of my decision to visit him and weather the storms together.Azman died very peacefully in his brother's arm surrounded by love. His death was a tragedy and he is still missed terribly. But his family can comfort from the fact that everything that could be done for him was done and that the loving bonds between them were strong enough to withstand the hurricane... :')Azman Hanafi Joseph 1998-2007..

2008-10-09T08:35:00.000-07:00

It took me almost a week to complete this post;(I'd fucking appreciate if u leave me a comment or drop me a message on my tagboard when you have read this post completely )
Feelings..The only thing that separating all living creature, anthropoid and homo sapient that continuously trying to cope with life in this superficial world. The problem with many of our unpleasant feelings is that we resist them. Then we have to suppress them in order to continue functioning 'normally'. We are often scared with our feelings because of their intensity, or we judge the ones that we don't like as being less important, or bad, compared to our happier ones. This can lead to a dislocation between how we feel and what we present to the world outside.
Many people think that if they've suppressed the unpleasant memory of some past event, they will not have to feel the feelings associated with it. However, these feelings continue to reside within us and under negative effect undermine our peace. Once expressed we are free of their negative effect within us, though this can take a long time and a lot of effort.
A lot of people make the mistake of thinking that if we feel our fear, or any other feelings associated with our thoughts, then that is negative. For instance. if we have a countless immense amount of fucks and shits that keeps getting in the way of our lives, we think about giving up, our feelings about surrender will surface also. Many fuckers will then suggest that those thoughts are negative, full of shits and should be abolished. BULLSHIIT! I used ti think, 'if i think of giving up all hope, then maybe I'm programming myself that it is OK to give up and surrender and it's not OK.' I would then be terrified of letting my thoughts wander in that direction, believing that I might somehow speed up the process.
It was a major turning point for me when I dragged the white flag out of the corner, placed it firmly in the center of the room and let myself think and feel my way through the issues around my hope. I became friends with my feelings rather than fearing them. This enabled me to move beyond those feelings, then i was ready to really live today.
Relaxation can be the one of the most effective ways in which we can begin to address these feelings and allow them expression. Through relaxing our mind we find a rock solid place of peace within ourselves that is beyond the fear, beyond the pain, beyond all thought and all feeling; a place in which we know that the essence of our being is love.
Paradoxically, to acknowledge that i am afraid, for instance and give myself permission to feel afraid is the first step towards being released from fear.Relaxing our mind gives us the opportunity to witness the fear without become overwhelmed by it. Gradually we come to realise that these are only feelings and that they aren't the sum total of who we are...
Instead of always trying to measure up to our own or other people expectations we can simply become REAL without having to hide bits of ourself from ourselves or others. Many of us are afraid of our feelings and yet to give them expression is enormously healthy.
Much of my life was spent trying not to feel fear. I had to expend enormous amounts of energy pretending to be positive in order to convince myself and everyone else that i had no fear. In this way, fear had me completely trapped. Once i was able to bring the fear out into the light of day,its enormous power vanished. The fastest way out of feeling is through them. If we feel anger, fear, despair, panic, outrage, resentment or anyfuckelse, we bring it out in the open, acknowledge it, express it and then are more easily able to let go of it. It's not about hoping or pretending that they don't exist.
Many people are afraid to express how they feel to someone else because they fear ridicule or abuse of the trust they've extended. It is important to be respectful of our feelings and to choose wisely those with whom we seek to share our pathetic vulnerability.

The present is superficial

2008-10-06T08:23:00.002-07:00

Nostalgic October

2008-10-06T08:01:00.001-07:00

As i looking through my folders, i found these old bitchtures of mine which was taken last year.
0ctober 2007

The sultry air of graces passed in flight

2008-10-01T03:09:00.000-07:00

By forgiving the past, we can cultivate compassion for others, the compassion we would like to have for others, the compassion we would like to extended ourselves. We all make bloody mistakes or make poor choices in our lives. People make stupid decisions almost everyday. If we recognize those situations as opportunities to learn something new about ourselves or about life, they can become part of our education and we can grow in wisdom.
'Forgiveness is giving up all hope for a better past,' said someone who finally understood that to rail against the past exhausts us and impedes our progress forward. The past simply (italic-is) as it is. Held resentments and bitterness cause stagnation. When we forgive we acknowledge that we felt hurt by this person or situation but that it is part of our history and it doesn't have to continue to dominate the present. When we don't forgive, these past hurts and what we've gleaned from them continue to undermine the possibility of peace in the present.
Forgiveness is simple but not necessarily easy. Forgiveness does not mean that we condone the action. We have to work through all the feelings associated with the event before we're ready to accept that fact that a dreadful thing happened and become willing to let it be part of our history rather than something which continues to undermine the peace that is impossible in the present moment. So selamat hari raya people (:

Your life style to me seemed so tragic

2008-09-29T05:52:00.000-07:00

We often believe, mistakenly that a painful relationship from the past is best forgotten. More often that not, it isn't forgotten: the painful memories are just buried deep down inside ourselves. We may say we don't wish to be reminded of the pain it caused us. But the fact is, it is still causing us pain and we are therefore still in relationship with that person. The person may no longer be physically present in our lives, but their influence is.

Quite likely, at the time of being hurt, we made some laws about how we would henceforth live our lives. Our own laws like: 'never trust men or woman'; 'fuck love'; 'don't let anyone too close or i'll get hurt'; 'i'd better sure i get my needs met first, otherwise i'll lose out'; 'never trust stranger'; 'mediocrity is safe', and other shits that we held as our dogma.

Even if the person who hurt us is now gone we remain in a relationship with them. It is as if there were a rope stretched between that person and ourselves. We are still holding on tight to our end of the rope. When we let go, it sets free a lot of energy previously trapped by negativity held in that fucking relationship. We may need to let go that rope a hundred times before we're successful in totally forgiving that person, situation or our own actions in that situation.
We can learn from the experience and move on. Many people have no desire to forgive those who have hurt them in the past. We sometimes choose to savor our hurts as a reason for us to feel righteous indignation. To let go of the resentment or bitterness also means to let go of the indignation.

yes, english are compilicated

2008-09-29T05:47:00.000-07:00

Yes English can be confusing and distorting.

Atom Bomb :
An invention to end all inventions.

Boss :
Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

Cigarette :
A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool on the other.

Classic :
A book which people praise, but do not read.

Committee :
Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.

Compromise :
The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

Conference :
The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

Conference Room :
A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.

Criminal :
A guy no different from the rest....except that he got caught.

Dictionary :
A place where success comes before work.

Diplomat :
A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.

Divorce :
Future tense of marriage.

Doctor :
A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.

Etc. :
A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

Experience :
The name men give to their mistakes.

Father:
A banker provided by nature.

Lecture :
An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either"

Miser :
A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.

Office :
A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

Opportunist :
A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.

Optimist :
A person who while falling from Eiffel tower says in midway "See I am not injured yet."

Philosopher :
A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.

Politician :
One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.

Smile :
A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

Tears :
The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water power...

Yawn :
The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

Words can kill

2008-09-29T05:36:00.000-07:00

Learn new word from me X)

Arbitrator ar'-bi-tray-ter: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's.

Avoidable uh-voy'-duh-buhl: What a bullfighter tries to do.

Baloney buh-lo'-nee: Where some hemlines fall.

Bernadette burn'-a-det: The act of torching a mortgage.

Burglarize bur'-gler-ize: What a crook sees with.

Control kon-trol': A short, ugly inmate.

Counterfeiters kown-ter-fit-ers: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.

Eclipse i-klips': what an English barber does for a living.

Eyedropper i'-drop-ur: a clumsy ophthalmologist.

Heroes hee'-rhos: what a guy in a boat does.

Left Bank left' bangk': what the robber did when his bag was full of loot.

Misty mis'-tee: How golfers create divots.

Paradox par'-u-doks: two physicians.

Parasites par'-uh-sites: what you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.

Pharmacist farm'-uh-sist: a helper on the farm.

Polarize po'-lur-ize: what penguins see with.

Primate pri'-mat: removing your spouse from in front of the TV.

Relief ree-leef': what trees do in the spring.

Rubberneck rub'-er-nek: what you do to relax your wife.

Seamstress seem'-stres: describes 200 pounds in a size two.

Selfish sel'-fish: what the owner of a seafood store does.

Subdued sub-dood': a guy, that works on one of those submarines.

hahaa..

2008-09-29T05:25:00.000-07:00

'Grey's Anatomy'; fuck i love that show. Here's what i thought about the doctors: it may seem an obvious thing to say, but hope is healthy. Why then do so many doctors ignore this and tell their patients how long they have to live? Many person has told me that he or she has been given weeks or months to live. What about all the time doctors have just taken away their prognosis" why are we so keen to ensure that people keep in the forefront of their mind the fact that they're going to die?
What is so goddamnfucking wrong with hope? Hope for a good night's rest; hope for times of laughter and love with our friends or family; hope for remission, a cure, an afterlife? We do not yet understand all the mechanics of how our minds interact with our bodies. At the moment what do we know is that we can't always change what happens to us but we certainly can play an active role in the way we respond to what happens to us.
Surely it is better for a doctor to say: 'You have a very serious illness. Many people who have your stage of disease die within months; however, some people don't, and we want to give you all the support, treatment, skills and education so that you can be the one of the ones who live long and well.' what the fuck is wrong with that?
(i) Peace is a dynamic state in which we feel we have the best doctors and treatments, the best support and love around us, and that there are things we can do to regain a sense of control over our lives and actively participate our healing process. Then we can sleep with a peaceful heart, knowing that today was a day well lived and that tommorrow can be looked forward to with hope.

Clothes Caption

2008-09-22T21:37:00.000-07:00

If i own a hardware store, i would put as my customers in their place before they even enter. The sign on the door should be "Shoes required because you might hurt yourself. Shirts required because you're not as good looking as you think." fair enough? and "Warning to young ladies- if you wear loose clothes, beware of the machinery. If you wear tight clothes, beware of the machinist."

This lust, a vampyric addiction To her alone in full submission

2008-09-22T21:18:00.000-07:00

Gradually i came to realize that we only have a moment to grow and blossom upon the earth and then we must leave. We are not warming up for the big event; this isn't a dress to rehearsal, it's the real thing. When we feel a deep preciousness about life it is a real blessing.
Initially i lived very much as a tourist. And there's a lot to be said for living like that. To drink in every day as if it were both your first and last. To savor moments rather than lose whole days through lack of awareness. In a way we are all tourists, embarked upon our own journey through life, and yet we so easily lose the sparkle of each moment as we become weighed down with careers and other responsibilities.
My sense of uncertainty and the expectation that my remission was only temporary plagued my mind. We're constantly teachers and students to one another. If we believe that we're embarked upon a journey of self-discovery and healing, then every encounter with another person is an opportunity to explore and understand who we are and recognize why we are the way we are. When a person aggravates, irritated or attract us it can become an opportunities to know something about ourselves that we might have otherwise missed. It isn't a matter of whose perception and how we can find common ground.
Sometimes, in order to be able to truly love someone we must venture through the heart of pain. Many people spend their lives running from their feelings because they simply don't know to address their pain and confusion. We often prefer to fill up our lives with satisfying our self-indulgence rather than dealing with our feelings. It is easier to immerse ourselves in family affairs, relationships, coping with college lives, commitments and other responsibilities than to look ourselves band find resolution to your fears, self-doubts, grief or whatever the fuck that stands in the way of peace

Two finger shots at this our last soiree

2008-09-22T21:11:00.000-07:00

As i terrified as i was of the black hole within me, i knew that was where love and and healing would be found. Not necessarily physical healing but that deeper healing where i could find a moment of peace. Although some unlucky people had plunged into their black hole never to emerge, I began to suspect that light and peace lay in close proximity to the darkness and that my journey wouldn't be complete until the darkness within myself is explored and addressed.
I felt I'd created an internal structure or scaffolding from which I could handle life. This internal scaffolding was made up of beliefs, attitudes and judgments and gives me the false sense of being able to remain in control of my life. I felt that in order to find peace and healing I'd have to let go this self-conscious, self-created and cherished structure. But it was the only way i knew how to live life to the fullest. To let go would require trust and i only had a very shaky willingness.
Most of us don't realize that we do have a choice in how we respond to each moment of our lives. If we don't realize this possibility then we simply react to situations. For instance, my response to my responsibility in my life is to believe that what is most important is in fact less, and vice versa. This entrenched belief meant that i would become 'powerless' in the face of many situations in my life, putting my needs below everyone else's. Perhaps my reactions later in life would have placed my needs above everyone else's.

Hold their mesmeric sway and dance to the moon

2008-09-19T16:42:00.000-07:00

Paradoxically, the more i prepared to give up the stronger i seemed to become physically. The more i accepted life's fragility, the more i found strengths within myself. I felt i needed a time of isolation and solitude to explore more deeply this path to peace and to able to love but what was unsure of how to bring that about. My need for solitude is still strong, just to appreciate more about life in this world. Yes life has never been fair to me, to us. I am learning to trust that everything is unfolding in the manner that was right for me. I spent my holiday resting and listening music, which is a paracetamol to overcome my boredom.
In the first week of holiday, i focused only on my shortcomings, my failings, I suspect i could still be sitting in this cage doing the same thing for the list seemed endless without my friends. The more i looked for my faults, the more i found.

I realized that i often used euphoria techniques in a negative way to avoid confronting and resolving the problems which festered within me. But to acknowledge the full force of my grief and fear seemed impossible. If fear and anxieties arose, i could use techniques called contemplation as a way of switching my awareness to something else. It was as if i were trying to put a layer of peace over my distress.
The only relief from my self-absorbed view at the world came through solitude, both beautiful underground melodic rock and slow pop music, nature and satisfying my indulgence. Music expressed feelings and found resolution, neither of which i was able to do. Nature constantly sought to grow, blossom and return to itself only to repeat the process in another form.

Above and beyond

2008-09-19T16:40:00.000-07:00

i felt shitty and overwhelmed with the terrible thoughts-physical, emotional; and spiritual that their belief system had caused. How could i proceed to undo some of these cherished beliefs in a way they might accept, and was it my place to do so? Finally i realized that the only thing that ever stop me from experiencing love is what we hold in our minds; our belief,judgments, desires and perceptions. To let go of guilt, ego and shame and to forgive oneself can seem to be insurmountable challenge. In my case, perhaps there is no-one to be blame? no one had caused my beliefs?
If we can be willing to let go of everything that stands in the way of love, then peace and love can become our reality. It's simple as that. But fuck it not for me. Simple is not always easy though! By releasing the past we're more easily able to enjoy the present and begin to give love and attention to others. Despite all that, im not able to that at this moment. Sure this may take a while.

a deeper beauty shines

2008-09-19T14:55:00.000-07:00

Stop. The candle is burning. Look at the beautiful glow, the gothic shadows strewn on the walls. Can you feel the heat? Do you feel the safety emitted from the light? Slowly the wax falls down like heated tears, staining whatever it touches, burning skin trapped under it. It burns, it mares, it leaves its mark, it scorns. You are like the flame. You burn and burn and burn the candle. You are what makes the wax fall. You make the shadows. You create that feeling of safety. But you destroy and leave nothing. When the candle is gone, there is no safety...only darkness, isolation and self destruction.

You have left your mark on me but you did not destroy me. It is time to show it to the world and move on. I don't think I am better than this but people believe that i deserve better and that I am stronger than this..this shell i have become. So we will see. I will try. I will stop looking to the past as my canvas and instead, I am going to live in the present and make it so beautiful that it is going to be worth living...that people will see that I am okay. That I know I am okay. That the future is going to be so bright, I can embrace it with open arms. That in the end, my alibi won't matter because it will eventually all be worth remembering as just a chapter in my life. I don't want to end the chapter but that choice was made for me. So future, I await the gifts you want to give me. Present, I will try and live you to the fullest and make it the best thing in the world. I promise i'll try.

I'll leave the book open temporarily, just so I can lay in its essence for a while longer. Sooner or later i'll forget that feeling and it will close by itself. Hopefully I won't have to keep reliving those beautiful memories and if i do, i pray i look back at them with fondness and nostalgia with a smile on my face. Yesterday a very good friend of mine left me and us for a while,and begun another whole new chapter of his journey in pursuing a better life in UK.

thank you so fucking much for the advice you gave me back then. I cannot believe I made you laughed with everything I told you. But I will use everything you told me positively and use this energy to benefit me instead of waste it on something not worth my tears. The repercussion of these feelings still hurt but I will survive...I made that promise to you and I am not one to break promises. thank you so much for making me get a better perception over everything...and for being a great friend to me.It'll be next year, or perhaps 4 years from now til us finally meet again, talk & laughter that sooth my day. Wherever the hell you are, don't you try to throw away the friendship that we've made. Come back soon, November butterfly.

Today has been, by far, the hardest day in this month yet.

^_^

2008-09-17T23:55:00.004-07:00

You're an Bruneian when you..

2008-09-17T23:55:00.003-07:00

You're an Bruneian Asshole when u..
1. When u diss a person with names. 'emo,skinhead,Cina berangan'
2. U misscall instead of replying their msgs
3. Indo mee is your staple food and Ayamku is your fastfood
4. If you have the chance to call a radio show and before you are asked to hang-up, you say 'boleh minta putarkan lagu?'
5. If something goes wrong, you will say that one of the datos, pehins is your relative (or at least they know you).
6. You rush to a new shopping mall just to beat everybody else even though it's just another Hua Ho.
7. You are a busy body with other peoples' news, especially the bad ones, and you think your responsibility is to know and to spread it around.
8. You say "Mun paham bisai" (this needs no further explaination) .
9. You can't type or spell properly properly,so u wrote in short form, example "hw r u? hy my nme s si org brnui"
10. You add "me & u" on your converstations with your girl mates.
11. You think fake converse products are the best.
12. You read this blogsite because all your friends are reading it and you don't want to be left behind.
13. You rush to get a $99 handphone not caring about the limited features coz you think anything cheap is a bargain.
14. You complain like hell when the food is slow at a restaurant, but when you are at a 'pasar malam' you can wait hours for your gourmet satay from that Mamak stall.
15. You are used to seeing large crowds of Indian, Indon, Filo & Bangladeshi workers hang out at shopping malls, especially on Sundays.
16. You own an enormous private collection of pirated VCD's, DVD's & CD's.
17. You fly to Singapore to go to the hospital because you don't trust RIPAS.
18. When singing the national anthem, you mumble parts of it because you can't quite remember/understand what some of the words are.
19. You know that the beach is the place to go to conduct illegal activity such as drinking & fornication although you swear you've never done it yourself.
20. You ride a Harley with a bunch of friends & park in front of Coffeezone/Coffeebean but only order water or coke & think its still macho.
21. You add "BUI" on each sentence.
22. You think exercising, being hyper active and competition are for little kids.

Mahn this is pathetic

2008-09-17T23:55:00.002-07:00

i got this from someone's my space, and this is the most emo-est piece of shit i've seen by far..enjoy? (:

Roars 'neath my wings as I soar with the end in sight

2008-09-17T23:55:00.001-07:00

This has been an equal role of the dice (or die) Ironic isn't it? . We played. We gambled. We won. We lost. But I don't know what happened. Did the game get old? Or was I just too caught up in my callous nirvana that I didn't see what I failed and lacked that you needed so badly? To play the game is a game to play. In the end there are no winners unless your intentions were wrong. I loved my game. Did you love yours?

Sweet symphony. Please do not end on me now. Your melody flows through me like the blood in my veins. Will there be a catastrophe when it ends or will I just crumble to the floor and become nothing. Please give me answers. I feel like a crushed lily. You can't mend me.

To a tainted world and the painted girls

2008-09-17T23:55:00.000-07:00

i had endless hours to think. i seesawed between feeling trapped by my powerlessness to change what was happening in my mind
and a sense of liberation as i let go in each moment of self meditation. The contrast between these state of mind was extraordinary.
I would sit to relax and into my mind would come the thought 'what if karma turn aginst me?'
'what if everything is superficial at the moment?'Hot on its heels other thoughts would follow 'how will i cope?' how would they cope?'
'who will hold onto me?' fuck knows what was i thinking. These thought would plague me and i could feel myself go down the emotional slipper slope to despair.

It was obvious to us, that most of our suffering was caused by our mind either leaping onto the future or chewing the past.
But it was so difficult to keeping mind focused in the present when the thoughts that would lead to feelings of panic, despair,
or fear assailed me. Gradually i began to see that the same train of thoughts brought me undone each time.
And that they served a useful purpose. They undermined my peace and made mockery of my meditation.
So i made appointment with my worries, but when i sat the appointed time none of them appeared. i came to see that the only power these worries had was when they stuck into my fucking mind at unguarded fucking moments.
with this understanding and lots of practice, i was able to witness the ' what if everything is superficial at the moment?'.

the disco bitch =]

2008-09-15T17:22:00.000-07:00

shake it

2008-09-15T17:04:00.000-07:00

2008-09-13T05:59:00.000-07:00

Thinking. Thoughts. Countless memories. All associated with memory and the mind. It is what makes me sad, angry, bitter, paranoid, obsessive, depressed- happy, complacent, jubilant, hyper and ecstatic. It is what it is. It is what I am. My collective conscience of my very being aggravates and affects my mood like the plague. Some may conclude my dilemma as an overly active thyroid gland pumping out all the wrong hormones. Easy solution is Prozac. But I do not think of it as depression. I see it as an awareness- physical and mental- to the sick cycle we create for ourselves. The rotation of our never ending betrayal of the self and how we dig our own graves to rot and die in it. Sylvia Plath wrote about it. She understood it. But she killed herself and did not realize the brilliance behind the black and white. Everything is our own fault. It is carelessness to detail that is ever succinct and precise. Yet we whine. Yet I shed tears and mourns my own fatal obscurity. My own idiocy. Self pity is a funny thing.

I have concluded that in order for me to love another, I need to find it in myself to love me. For who I am whether I know me or not. If I begin to love me, to get to know me, then maybe I can let others do the same instead of putting up a guarded wall that only one has ever jumped over. When I appreciate me, others will too. When I accept me, hopefully others will to. If they don't? Hey, there is a door behind you. I do not want to be this weak forever. Lets call this the sifting phase. The Feng Shui if you must. After all this I want to look in the mirror and know who I am instead of being convulsed in repulsion, loathe and self abuse. You are the most hard on yourself, or so they say.

The irony of telling people your 'real meaning' is that they never truly listen. It starts off with worry. Falters with irritation and prolonged annoyance and ends with 'when will she get over this?'. Sometimes I wish I could stand on a roof top and ask the world whether they know how mentally draining bulimia is and how it just destroys your physical form. Sometimes. Don't ask me to tell you what is wrong when the symptoms are directly in your face. My silent screams will be stiffed. I will never tell.

To those fuckers who have a problem with me, I am trying for a better tomorrow right now. But not that i'll try to change, no, fuck no. This is me, for fuck sake i'm just being myself, the only i could do is trying to be better, to do better in everything. Try and rain on my efforts and blessings and I swear I will bring you lower than I have ever been before. I doubt that you will like that because I do not like where I am right now and it is not my ultimate low. This is just the sulking point. We have all been hurt before. All of us have been betrayed. Just do not use my name in your petty lies. My name is not a toy or an object for you to abuse. If you have a problem with me, directly accuse me of it. I will brush this off because I am learning to laugh at things that once would of hurt me. You know, giggle with the finer things and the smallest details that we all conveniently leave out to exaggerate the shittiness of our lives. But sooner or later, the fringe will tear and I will feel vindicated. Wanna try? Cause I am game.

2008-09-13T05:45:00.000-07:00

fuck that's rad.

(...)

2008-09-10T07:02:00.000-07:00

Even if i had a language to articulate my fucking grief, i was loathe to further burden my bloody life when an overwhelming expectance people all around me to be the best loomed so large in my heart.

conquer the uncertainty

2008-09-10T06:54:00.000-07:00

As much as i grateful for my life, i was also frustrated and depressed tha i could no longer look after my usual habit. i gradually withdrew into a world of despair from which i thought i would never emerge. my friends, the only way i could express and ones that understand what was i thinking and my feelings. however despair is all consuming and to articulate such feelings generally requires distance from their intensity.

one last salute

2008-09-07T23:51:00.000-07:00

I woke up this morning fatigued, irritated and paranoid. Fatigue because of lack of dreaming. Irritated and paranoid because my right cheek is still very swollen due to the rugby traing i had two days ago. Not only it is swollen but the pain which is tolerable at times has made my jaw feel like im biting ice. I am not happy. I know I should be thankful because the swelling has gone down since yesterday but it is an effort to talk because it feels like im tugging on unmovable muscles and I cannot smile without looking retarded and dysfunctional. The number one lesson here is God is saying I do not appreciate my appearance enough and that we all take for granted we will look the same when it can change in the blink of an eye. God I get it, please take it away.
I have been thinking a lot about you and girls in general. With girls, I would not mind someone to hang out and have a little bit of fun with, but nothing serious or relationship-like. That is as far as it goes. I know I am a firm believer in living in the moment and doing what feels right but my heart or whatever feels the 'wanton senses' cannot take another heartache right now. I am not scared of the pain, I just, don't want it. And with you, if you were to come back to me, I don't trust you anymore. I don't know why but i Just don't. I miss you, But I do not miss feeling self conscious and paranoid that you were seeing someone else. In a nut-shell, there was nothing like you and I. But you and I are in the past, just like dreams in the wind.

Hopefully by tomorrow the pain will be goes away. Sigh. Miracles of life.

2008-09-07T23:31:00.000-07:00

art is deception

2008-09-07T22:53:00.000-07:00

shut up and leave

2008-09-07T20:44:00.000-07:00

You are pushing me away. I understand what you are going through. Despite my subtle complexities and no ones understanding about how and why I do the things I do, I do have a reason. I have more than one reason...and they reflect what you are going through. Do not push me away and tell me that you have to go through this alone. I have always let you in to help me even though you were never good at it. I let you because you mean the world to me. Does that not mean anything to you? If it does not then you are a deceiver. You deceived me. Do not push me away unless I mean nothing to you anymore.
I have felt and thought this so many times...that it is my fault...that this is the reason why it always happens to me. Always. I always blame and point the finger to me. And it is devastating because at one point, I do know it has nothing to do with me.

What were we thinking. What right do we have to scar other people with our hurtful ways? What right do we have to purposely take a blade and taint their existence. What right. We do not have the right. Not one. And yet we are all so full of hate that it bounces off each one of us and pulls everyone else down into the sick cycle of evil.

the friends

2008-09-07T20:36:00.000-07:00

here are the homos, us, we live in middle class suburbia. there was no physical, sexual or emotional abuse; no divorce, not a threat of it. We looked like a happy couples or family.
There seemed to be a constant air of joy within ourselves. i felt as through an invisible
presence dominated our walking moments. Walking on emotional eggshells became my way of life.
Yeap, the strong bonds that we form together, hopefully will last forever. Im not a firm believer of i-love-you-forever-and-ever-baby-shits. fuck it. fuck all those bullshits. but i do believe the existence of friends forever.
ps- ignore the cheap background of the picture =D

as comfort goes up awarness goes down

2008-09-07T08:22:00.001-07:00

i felt liberated by the thought that they able to perceived the simple jokes and loved it; the laughter made my day and yes no doubt about it,laughter is a simple dose of epinephrine injected into our veins and bloodstream to recede the overwhelming sadness and thoughts that contaminating our day.

bitter lemon- stop, stare and drop dead

2008-09-06T20:39:00.001-07:00

she threw me a piercing glance right into my eyes. it has been quite a while since i felt that sensation, she seemed peaceful and content as she gradually moved beyond her word. her breathing was regular and her eyes were focus on mine. i felt a deep sense of connectio
n with her and there was a companionable silence aroumd us that i suspect we both found comforting; shit, sorry not this time.im nt gonna fall into those love shits.i had enough (:

euphoria is running low

2008-09-05T20:54:00.000-07:00

Todays confessions.1) I am envious of confident people2) The end year result that soon to be given to us scared the fuck out of me and my confidence in obtaining decent grades are low.3) Most typical Bruneian guys are such a dick head.
I never want to feel this way and yet the feeling reoccurs and lingers like a recent memory…

prefix?

2008-09-05T20:16:00.000-07:00

so where should i start ay? I have my own style. Hypocritical is just unacceptable for me. I decide who I want to be and how I look. How i present myself. You think you can play me? If you think that then fuck you. I love my friends. Secret keeper and a good listener unless you shoot me down. I am PARANOID and ANNOYED by stupid words ends with the letter 'z' or replaced by 'v'. or whatsoever; people who write like this ‘HeY WhAtZuP WanNa HanGouTz LaTer?’. enough said.

Rhapsody in the attic

2008-09-05T20:10:00.000-07:00

Haha. I was bored and decided to express my overwhelmed feelings and thoughts through blogging. So yea, here I am. Mahn sixth form life really is hectic. But hey its way better than just hanging around like those dirtbags who thinks they are cool with those over-rated combination of tight jeans and hoodies parading towards the mall. And those wannabe ghetto shits that think they are officially categorized as ‘cool peeps’ when they gang up with their cliques sipping those cigarettes between their lips. Seriously, stop giving ‘anak brunai zaman sekarang’ a bad name. I wish I could just throw grenades right in their path and shit holes. Oh yea we call them poklens here though. And haha I remember the last time me and some of my friend walked into one of the shithole on the 3rd floor, weststreet to be precise, which groups of typical teenage ditrtbags hanging out right on the corner seemingly in the age of 14-19. Some of them were dancing around and polluted the atmosphere with their stupid lame jokes. A moment later one of the sluts confronted us and spit the fuck out "napa ne liat2? Kan join kamu ", we laughed and asked "How old are you?" and guess what , she proudly answered " form 2 kaliah" for fuck sake go home and help your mum do the house chores. From that moment me and my friend never walk into the shithole ever again. And oh that shit happened in the year 2006.